Prodigal daughter

 It never works. Why don't I remember that? Far too often, I'll abandon Him and try to satisfy self, for a few days or weeks. I never learn that the only life worth living is one that seeks Him, daily. I always return to His arms, broken and hurt. Those times when I drop everything to "follow my heart" and chase empty dreams, I never consider how hard it is to pick up the pieces again. And so I begin again, tentative in my faith and unsure of His love.
 I dream of being loved by someone, by anyone. I smile and laugh while searching desperately for approval. They can't hear me screaming, "Love me, love me please! Someone, please love me." I want to much to be treasured, to be enough. I'm a grubby child, stumbling in the dark while I grab desperately at passing strangers, craving their love. I cling and beg, pleading to be loved by those who would only use me, while I run from the One who loves me with a love beyond my imagination. I reject His perfect love for the chance to have a love that is only a fleeting shadow. If I want love so much, why do I reject the only love that can heal me, the only love that can cease my strivings? Why do I reject Him again, and reach with the hands that His love has made clean, grasping for the filth and pain once more? Why am I still searching?

  "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."  1 John 4:16

 I want Him to teach me to rely on His love. So much happens because I forget. I forget that He loves me, or I stop believing Him when He says He does. He is enough, has always been enough, and will always be enough. I'm so forgetful. I need Him to remind me every day of who He is, and who that makes me. 

Courage

Recently I heard about a project called One Word 365. As stated on the website,

"Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long. It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your word will shape you and your year. It will guide your decisions and help you grow. Discover the big impact one word can make. One word. 365 days. A changed life."

This is the third year that I have chosen a word. Two years ago, at the beginning of 2011, before I'd heard of this project, I picked the word "focus." In 2012, I chose "grow." Praying over the course of the year, I asked God to change my life, to help me grow or focus. That is a dangerous prayer. He was willing to give me what I petitioned Him for, but I learned that often growth comes through pain, and focus in the form of sacrifice. Through it all, He taught me the reality of His presence. I believe that He gives us what we ask for in His name.

 2013's word is COURAGE. I want to be courageous for Jesus. I'm so afraid of what people think of me, so afraid that God won't come through, so afraid to step out in faith. My fear stops me from doing what I know He has called me to do. This year, I will not be content to cower in the shadows, hiding because I'm afraid of someone's opinion. What have I to fear? Jesus' power will overcome.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

 This, also, is a dangerous prayer. When I ask for courage, what will He give me but an opportunity to practice courage? But I know that He is enough.


Here are some of my favorite songs for 2013's word:

And that's a lot of videos. Oh well.

I am free

I wrote this way back in June.

I am free. I have been given life through Him. Though I know this, and have known this, sometimes I just have to stop and marvel at it. I have to stop and praise God, because He is worthy of praise. I will praise Him. So often I forget my freedom and trap myself again in those things that I have been freed from. I am a slave to righteousness. When I fail, when I fall, I often look and try to see why. It's because I've forgotten my freedom in Christ, and I've forgotten His love and mercy. I am free.
 ^"But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness." -Romans 6:17-18