I give up

I give up. I give up trying to understand God. I give up trying to fit all of Him in the pretty little box of things I understand. How very arrogant I am! To think that I, a mere human, a tiny little ant to Him, could ever possibly understand the wonderful God who created me, who saved me by His blood. To think that I could box Him in and describe all He is with human words. To think that I can be saved by anything other than His grace. As if there's anything I could ever do that would be enough, when all I do is as filthy rags. Nothing and no one could ever save me but Him.
  I give up believing that I know better than my all-powerful Creator, and having the conceitedness to think that I know the better path for my future, when I can't even see it! To think that I could reject the wisdom, will, and direction of a loving God who is omniscient and all-wise, have the audacity to think that I can do it better than God, and that He doesn't know and want what is best for me and for His glory. To think that the sacrifice of Jesus isn't enough for my sins, that I can ever understand why He did it or earn grace. To think that my life is actually mine, or that God is not trustworthy, or that I can trust my own self more than Him.
  I am so foolishly proud to think that I can ever do something good of my own power, to say that, "Now, I'm stopping, I'll never do it again," when I know that I will yet again reject Him and run back to the chains that He freed me from. To begin to think, even now, that what I have given up I won't take back, and that I won't fail, and when I fail it's all over. I place too much value in my own works. It's all Him. I can do nothing by my own power, but all things through Him who strengthens me. I'm positive that I will again become proud, and will again be reminded of how little I actually know. But He is forgiving, and merciful, though I can't understand why.
   I can't describe Him, I can't understand Him, but I can love and serve Him to the best of my tiny human ability. Not so that I can be saved, but because I have been saved already.

"And these are but the outer fringe of his works;

    how faint the whisper we hear of him!
    Who then can understand the thunder of his power?” -Job 26:14

Introduction

I decided that I wanted a place in cyberspace to share what God is teaching me. Someplace where I don't have to worry about who will see it and how they will react, where there isn't so much pressure to perform and act exactly like I'm expected to. We'll see how this goes. I may not continue, this is just an experiment. Also, a good place to practice my writing. My journal is full of unformed thoughts and unclear references, but I will clarify for my non existent blog audience. Seriously, internet anonymity is just about as private as it gets. I doubt I'll share this with many people (hi Lodian?), since that defeats the purpose. This may also be full of weird sentences and strange thoughts. I won't post much. No "blog guilt" here!