Who He is

 "He's all-powerful, almighty, all-knowing! Can I get an amen for that?"
As the pastor droned on about God's power, I stifled a yawn and tuned him out. I'd heard variations on this theme so many times. Yeah, I knew that God was all-powerful. Everyone did, so why were people so insistent about repeating it? I turned my thoughts to issues more important to me, more personal. I felt worthless and unloved. Those thoughts consumed me. Somehow, I didn't see the connection between that morning's sermon and my own thoughts. Yet, learning just how relevant God's power is to who I am changed my life

   God loves you. God is powerful. I don't remember when it happened, nor do I remember where. I only remember the moment that things clicked for me. I'd always thought that those two sentences were only vaguely related to each other. When I saw the connection, my life changed. You see, the sentence "God loves you" didn't always carry a lot of weight with me either, and I desperately needed it to. I needed to know that someone loved me, and somehow that sentence didn't do it for me, even though I believed in God. I think that I probably first realized it during a sermon of some sort, but in order for me to know who I am and be secure in that, I need to know who He is.

   Job 38:1-20 gives a good reminder of this. We can't even comprehend His power. He is greater than anything here. The moment that I made the (quite obvious) connection that this is the God who loves me changed my life. God's love matters because He is God Almighty, because He is so powerful. He is the God who placed the stars in the sky, who made everything from nothing, who has and will live eternally-- He is the same God who loves me. Who He is matters. This isn't the sheep-cuddling picture of Jesus that hung on our Sunday School classroom walls. This is the Lord of everything who allowed himself to die to conquer our sins. In order to even begin to understand the importance of His love, I needed to remember who it was that loved me.

     As a little girl being dragged to Sunday school every week, I had a vague idea of some outer being who came to earth, got killed for my sins, healed some blind people, snuggled some sheep, and wanted to judge my sins. I retained that idea later when I heard of His love. That's not my God. In order to understand a little better why His love matters, I need to learn more about my God. I need to enter into a lifelong study of who He is and never cease to strengthen our relationship. My identity needs to be in who He is. Because He who loves me matters, I matter. I am loved by the Lord and Master of all. I am loved more than I can imagine. That's who I am.

  Job 38:1-21
 "Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:

² “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
³ Dress for action like a man;
    I will question you, and you make it known to me.

⁴ “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
    Tell me, if you have understanding.
⁵ Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
    Or who stretched the line upon it?
⁶ On what were its bases sunk,
    or who laid its cornerstone,
⁷ when the morning stars sang together
    and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

⁸ “Or who shut in the sea with doors
    when it burst out from the womb,
⁹ when I made clouds its garment
    and thick darkness its swaddling band,
¹⁰ and prescribed limits for it
    and set bars and doors,
¹¹ and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
    and here shall your proud waves be stayed’?

¹² “Have you commanded the morning since your days began,
    and caused the dawn to know its place,
¹³ that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth,
    and the wicked be shaken out of it?
¹⁴ It is changed like clay under the seal,
    and its features stand out like a garment.
¹⁵ From the wicked their light is withheld,
    and their uplifted arm is broken.

¹⁶ “Have you entered into the springs of the sea,
    or walked in the recesses of the deep?
¹⁷ Have the gates of death been revealed to you,
    or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?
¹⁸ Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?
    Declare, if you know all this.

¹⁹ “Where is the way to the dwelling of light,
    and where is the place of darkness,
²⁰ that you may take it to its territory
    and that you may discern the paths to its home?
²¹ You know, for you were born then,
    and the number of your days is great!"

Prodigal daughter

 It never works. Why don't I remember that? Far too often, I'll abandon Him and try to satisfy self, for a few days or weeks. I never learn that the only life worth living is one that seeks Him, daily. I always return to His arms, broken and hurt. Those times when I drop everything to "follow my heart" and chase empty dreams, I never consider how hard it is to pick up the pieces again. And so I begin again, tentative in my faith and unsure of His love.
 I dream of being loved by someone, by anyone. I smile and laugh while searching desperately for approval. They can't hear me screaming, "Love me, love me please! Someone, please love me." I want to much to be treasured, to be enough. I'm a grubby child, stumbling in the dark while I grab desperately at passing strangers, craving their love. I cling and beg, pleading to be loved by those who would only use me, while I run from the One who loves me with a love beyond my imagination. I reject His perfect love for the chance to have a love that is only a fleeting shadow. If I want love so much, why do I reject the only love that can heal me, the only love that can cease my strivings? Why do I reject Him again, and reach with the hands that His love has made clean, grasping for the filth and pain once more? Why am I still searching?

  "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."  1 John 4:16

 I want Him to teach me to rely on His love. So much happens because I forget. I forget that He loves me, or I stop believing Him when He says He does. He is enough, has always been enough, and will always be enough. I'm so forgetful. I need Him to remind me every day of who He is, and who that makes me. 

Courage

Recently I heard about a project called One Word 365. As stated on the website,

"Forget New Year’s Resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won’t remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long. It will take intentionality and commitment, but if you let it, your word will shape you and your year. It will guide your decisions and help you grow. Discover the big impact one word can make. One word. 365 days. A changed life."

This is the third year that I have chosen a word. Two years ago, at the beginning of 2011, before I'd heard of this project, I picked the word "focus." In 2012, I chose "grow." Praying over the course of the year, I asked God to change my life, to help me grow or focus. That is a dangerous prayer. He was willing to give me what I petitioned Him for, but I learned that often growth comes through pain, and focus in the form of sacrifice. Through it all, He taught me the reality of His presence. I believe that He gives us what we ask for in His name.

 2013's word is COURAGE. I want to be courageous for Jesus. I'm so afraid of what people think of me, so afraid that God won't come through, so afraid to step out in faith. My fear stops me from doing what I know He has called me to do. This year, I will not be content to cower in the shadows, hiding because I'm afraid of someone's opinion. What have I to fear? Jesus' power will overcome.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

 This, also, is a dangerous prayer. When I ask for courage, what will He give me but an opportunity to practice courage? But I know that He is enough.


Here are some of my favorite songs for 2013's word:

And that's a lot of videos. Oh well.

I am free

I wrote this way back in June.

I am free. I have been given life through Him. Though I know this, and have known this, sometimes I just have to stop and marvel at it. I have to stop and praise God, because He is worthy of praise. I will praise Him. So often I forget my freedom and trap myself again in those things that I have been freed from. I am a slave to righteousness. When I fail, when I fall, I often look and try to see why. It's because I've forgotten my freedom in Christ, and I've forgotten His love and mercy. I am free.
 ^"But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness." -Romans 6:17-18

I give up

I give up. I give up trying to understand God. I give up trying to fit all of Him in the pretty little box of things I understand. How very arrogant I am! To think that I, a mere human, a tiny little ant to Him, could ever possibly understand the wonderful God who created me, who saved me by His blood. To think that I could box Him in and describe all He is with human words. To think that I can be saved by anything other than His grace. As if there's anything I could ever do that would be enough, when all I do is as filthy rags. Nothing and no one could ever save me but Him.
  I give up believing that I know better than my all-powerful Creator, and having the conceitedness to think that I know the better path for my future, when I can't even see it! To think that I could reject the wisdom, will, and direction of a loving God who is omniscient and all-wise, have the audacity to think that I can do it better than God, and that He doesn't know and want what is best for me and for His glory. To think that the sacrifice of Jesus isn't enough for my sins, that I can ever understand why He did it or earn grace. To think that my life is actually mine, or that God is not trustworthy, or that I can trust my own self more than Him.
  I am so foolishly proud to think that I can ever do something good of my own power, to say that, "Now, I'm stopping, I'll never do it again," when I know that I will yet again reject Him and run back to the chains that He freed me from. To begin to think, even now, that what I have given up I won't take back, and that I won't fail, and when I fail it's all over. I place too much value in my own works. It's all Him. I can do nothing by my own power, but all things through Him who strengthens me. I'm positive that I will again become proud, and will again be reminded of how little I actually know. But He is forgiving, and merciful, though I can't understand why.
   I can't describe Him, I can't understand Him, but I can love and serve Him to the best of my tiny human ability. Not so that I can be saved, but because I have been saved already.

"And these are but the outer fringe of his works;

    how faint the whisper we hear of him!
    Who then can understand the thunder of his power?” -Job 26:14

Introduction

I decided that I wanted a place in cyberspace to share what God is teaching me. Someplace where I don't have to worry about who will see it and how they will react, where there isn't so much pressure to perform and act exactly like I'm expected to. We'll see how this goes. I may not continue, this is just an experiment. Also, a good place to practice my writing. My journal is full of unformed thoughts and unclear references, but I will clarify for my non existent blog audience. Seriously, internet anonymity is just about as private as it gets. I doubt I'll share this with many people (hi Lodian?), since that defeats the purpose. This may also be full of weird sentences and strange thoughts. I won't post much. No "blog guilt" here!